Trying to explain me..not so easy.

So here it is..me. You curious to know about me? Well so am I . I've been on this self discovery journey for years..which is hard because I keep changing with the weather. I tend to stay pretty guarded against people and to be honest I haven't realized it until recently. My mind believes you are evil. All of you...and if you seem good and treat me well eventually you are going to fuck up. Just like me. I have a hard time just being good. No matter how hard I try I usually end up stirring the pot. I'm a child of chaos and not sure what to do when all is calm...I find that much more scary. It's always calm before the storm right? Anyway, I like to drink. A lot. It helps me through my day. I'm bored with my life...I want to run away. All the time. Generally I have this image of myself as the girl I was (the free spirit, the rebel, the one to scream fuck you in your face at any given chance) but the reality is I'm not that girl. I'm still a free spirit longing to be set free from the chains that bind me...but I'm a mother..maybe I'm going through an early mid life crisis..fuck if I know...I don't like the stay at home mom business...The little fuckers suck the life out of me. So I pour beer, whiskey and whatever else I can on that to numb my constant desire of running away.  I live in my head most of the time. People talk and I generally don't hear them. I wonder if I am ADD. It's not that I don't want to listen..it's just my mind shuts everything on the outside out. Does not compute. Some people probably think I'm pretty self indulgent..maybe I am maybe I'm not..what I do know is I'm pretty fucking cool and have lots of good ideas..

Bittersweet

4 years ago today I gave birth to a handsome little guy I named Liam knowing he would be placed in his parents arms 5 days later. He was placed for adoption with a wonderful family I hand picked. Today I sit here emotional and teary debating to call and say Happy Birthday to him. It's all so difficult. I remember his first cry after they suctioned him from all the fluids and the powerful tears I couldn't hold back. I remember nursing him in the hospital for 5 days and looking in his little eyes wondering if he knew he wasn't going to stay with me. Wondering if he'll hate me or if he would understand one day. Today Devin (his actual name now) is 4 years old. He's loved by so many and is full of questions about us. I really believed I would be more present in his life but I had no idea how difficult this would be emotionally. It's ongoing and it seems harder as time goes on. There is an emptiness I carry around. I wonder often about what he's laughing at and funny things he may say or ask his mom and dad. They keep me up to date but I wish I could be there myself to see through my own perception. The thing is I am allowed to come around as often as I'd like but I choose not to. It helps he's 9 hours away. I guess I picked people in a different state subconsciously..His life is amazing and I wouldn't change my decision for anything. I gave him life. A chance. And the most amazing parents who love him exactly as I had hoped they would. They get the better end of the deal for sure..and I'm happy to know he brings so much joy to their lives. Which leaves me feeling...Bittersweet.

Sick and Tired

Well I don't know how these super moms do it. Work full time. Cook, clean, PTO blah fucking blah. I have the hardest time functioning. All I want is time to myself so I don't want to rip my kids' throats out. Baby crying. 7 year old constantly in my ear talking. And most of everything he says is bullshit he mimics from tv shows. My husband doesn't seem to understand I need time alone. I'm at a breaking point right now. There is not enough wine in this house to calm me down. I want to run away. I live in constant fantasy. A life without kids and traveling the world with my backpack..meeting new people in different cities on the daily. I know I'm not alone. But it feels like it. Don't get me wrong. I love my children and husband very much. It's just that I get so overwhelmed. There is no balance. It's about the kids. Always. And then because of this my husband gets shorted and feels unloved. So I feel constant guilt...I don't even know how to be present anymore. My head wants to explode...it takes everything in me to not scream at everyone to LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Yeah, so I'm miserable. I have not done much with my life for myself. There are finally dreams and aspirations which didn't exist and I can't do a fucking thing about it. Why? Because I'm tied down. Tied down to nursing the baby. Tied down to the daily fucking chore of taking care of the kids. The fucked up thing is it's what I wanted. I've been living a life believing I knew what I wanted and now I'm realizing the truth. The reality of my dreams. Who I am or want to be. And I've made my bed and I have to lie in it. There is no going back in time. I know it's not forever and I don't know if this is normal feelings for a 32 year old woman but FUCK...it sucks. So until I can make my desires a reality...I guess I'll continue dreaming and living in my fantasy world of bathing in hot springs in Iceland, going on adventures in Croatia and backpacking Europe...I can only hope I don't die before it all happens...I'm bitter. Very very bitter.