Bittersweet

4 years ago today I gave birth to a handsome little guy I named Liam knowing he would be placed in his parents arms 5 days later. He was placed for adoption with a wonderful family I hand picked. Today I sit here emotional and teary debating to call and say Happy Birthday to him. It's all so difficult. I remember his first cry after they suctioned him from all the fluids and the powerful tears I couldn't hold back. I remember nursing him in the hospital for 5 days and looking in his little eyes wondering if he knew he wasn't going to stay with me. Wondering if he'll hate me or if he would understand one day. Today Devin (his actual name now) is 4 years old. He's loved by so many and is full of questions about us. I really believed I would be more present in his life but I had no idea how difficult this would be emotionally. It's ongoing and it seems harder as time goes on. There is an emptiness I carry around. I wonder often about what he's laughing at and funny things he may say or ask his mom and dad. They keep me up to date but I wish I could be there myself to see through my own perception. The thing is I am allowed to come around as often as I'd like but I choose not to. It helps he's 9 hours away. I guess I picked people in a different state subconsciously..His life is amazing and I wouldn't change my decision for anything. I gave him life. A chance. And the most amazing parents who love him exactly as I had hoped they would. They get the better end of the deal for sure..and I'm happy to know he brings so much joy to their lives. Which leaves me feeling...Bittersweet.