Trying to explain me..not so easy.

So here it is..me. You curious to know about me? Well so am I . I've been on this self discovery journey for years..which is hard because I keep changing with the weather. I tend to stay pretty guarded against people and to be honest I haven't realized it until recently. My mind believes you are evil. All of you...and if you seem good and treat me well eventually you are going to fuck up. Just like me. I have a hard time just being good. No matter how hard I try I usually end up stirring the pot. I'm a child of chaos and not sure what to do when all is calm...I find that much more scary. It's always calm before the storm right? Anyway, I like to drink. A lot. It helps me through my day. I'm bored with my life...I want to run away. All the time. Generally I have this image of myself as the girl I was (the free spirit, the rebel, the one to scream fuck you in your face at any given chance) but the reality is I'm not that girl. I'm still a free spirit longing to be set free from the chains that bind me...but I'm a mother..maybe I'm going through an early mid life crisis..fuck if I know...I don't like the stay at home mom business...The little fuckers suck the life out of me. So I pour beer, whiskey and whatever else I can on that to numb my constant desire of running away.  I live in my head most of the time. People talk and I generally don't hear them. I wonder if I am ADD. It's not that I don't want to listen..it's just my mind shuts everything on the outside out. Does not compute. Some people probably think I'm pretty self indulgent..maybe I am maybe I'm not..what I do know is I'm pretty fucking cool and have lots of good ideas..